When we are no longer able to change a situation,
we are challenged to change ourselves.
– V. Frankel
Many people are hesitant about starting couples counseling, but if you’re here, you probably aren’t sure what else to do. The harder you try to change your relationship, the worse things get. It’s the same fight over and over again. Your partner seems so far away. You feel more alone and hurt now than you ever have before.
You’ve tried talking it out, but usually that only leads to more fighting. Yet for all that you’ve said, there’s so much more that you want to say but can’t or aren’t sure how. You wish that your partner would see how deeply angry, sad, and hurt you are, but he or she never seems to really understand how you feel.
You’ve been here before. Chances are that whatever brought you to the point of thinking about getting counseling is all too familiar.
It’s the same old fight. The same old topics. The same hurt feelings and his disappearing act or her angry words.
You still love each other and want to make the relationship work, but you have no idea what to do to make things better. Somehow, with the rut you’ve been stuck in for so long, you just can’t communicate anymore. Both of you feel unhappy with the way things are and you’re desperate for a change.
If you’re reading this, you’ve tried everything you know how to do to already. Maybe you’ve even read books, tried scheduling “check-ins” with each other, taking time outs, and the like. Some of that might even work, but not for long.
That’s because when the going gets tough, all of us “default” to ways of being in close relationships without even realizing it—ways that leave us feeling disconnected. When we feel hurt, we react without thinking in ways that help us deal with our own pain but aren’t good for our relationship.
And you both react so quickly, don’t you? Your “defaults” instantly appear at the first sign of trouble. The more you feel you try to tell him about what’s important to you, the angrier you get, the more he avoids you and pulls away. Or he gets angry in return, and before you know it, you’re yelling over each other.
Or maybe, after such a long time, you’re not really saying much that’s real to each other at all. You feel like you’re living with a roommate when what you really want is a partner.
You, like everyone else, learned your “default” ways of being in relationships in your family growing up. Whether you want to or not, you can’t help but love and be close (or not) in the ways that you were shown love and closeness (or not).
You and your partner carried these “emotional blueprints” for being in intimate relationships into adulthood, but you don’t even think about them. They’ve become so automatic that you don’t even realize that they’re calling the shots, influencing how you are with each other.
With support, you and your partner can learn to slow down these automatic, reflexive interactions that leave you both wounded and hurting. You can learn about and unpack your own emotional blueprints. In the process, you’ll discover that it’s possible to change them, and in so doing, transform your relationship.
Whatever your relationship concerns are, I can help you get “unstuck” in your relationship, be heard and understood, and discover new ways of connecting. I will carefully listen to your present conflicts and create a therapeutic environment in which each of you is heard, understood, and accepted. Together, I will help you:
For couples who are struggling, starting counseling can be tough because you may feel hopeless, lost, angry, and unsure of where to turn. Reaching out for help is nothing to be ashamed about and can lead to a lifetime of emotional health and renewed intimacy. I applaud your courage in seeking the support you need. Change isn’t easy, but it is possible.
If you’re ready to begin, please call me at (805) 256-3497 or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to schedule your initial session or a free 15-minute consultation. It would be my privilege to meet with you and for us to discuss how I can help you.
I’ve worked with many couples in a variety of circumstances. As a a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), I’ve helped couples in recover from addiction and betrayal, discover healing, and find lasting change. I’ve supported newlyweds and couples that have been married for decades deepen their communication and really connect.
I have training in trauma and couple relationships to help you experience lasting changes in your relationship. You and your partner will learn to relate to and manage your feelings differently so that you create lasting intimacy.
The time to get help is now. Throw your relationship a lifeline by reaching out to me today. No matter what your circumstances may be, no matter how desperate your situation, change is possible. You deserve to heal!
Jeremy Mast at Awakenings Relational Counseling provides couples therapy and marriage counseling in Ventura, CA for people experiencing relationship problems. He also serves Santa Barbara, Camarillo, Oxnard, and the surrounding areas.